Spiritual Path

I have been in hiding, mostly from myself.  I've been in a nursing home named Woodbine for over two years with a foot gone numb from diabetic neuropathy and swollen so much it might as well be made out of lead.  I can only walk short distances with a walker and I need a wheelchair that's uncomfortable for farther trips.  They treat me well here, but I have no friends to hang out with.  I like most of the workers here though.  My nights consist of watching movies and TV show episodes on Netflix and my days are filled with frequently interrupted sleep.  No activities offered by Woodbine do anything for me.  Bingo?  No thank you.  

Lately I've felt disconnected from my spiritual path, whatever that is.  I feel as though I'm wasting my life, my potential and my ability to do the right thing.  I feel as though God is disappointed with me as much as I am with him.  I want to do something commensurate with my abilities.  My only problem is I don't know what that is.  Some of my Quaker friends tried to get me to coordinate a meditation group.  I could easily find the day and time, but I got stumped when I had to come up with a location.  I don't know how to book all the rooms here, and I'm too shy to ask so far.  I don't even know if they want me to do it still.  Others want me to write.  I reply that I don't have anything to write about.

I pray about it, but in keeping with my flat spiritual life I get nothing.  I'm afraid anything I could do would be too much for me.  Maybe you can help me come up with something I can do.

I'd give anything to not feel so lost and lonely.

Gaia Anyone?

I tend to believe that we live in a clockwork universe, where God created everything, "wound it up," and then pretty much vanished from the scene to wait for time to run out. Otherwise, I think, if God somehow actively participated in the world where natural disasters routinely take thousands of lives, she'd be complicit in murder. But she did leave us the free will to channel her love into the world.

Another idea occurred to me a few days ago. What if she does actively participate in this world? What if the Earth is alive, and has its own free will that is respected by God?

This isn't a new thought. Some believe in Gaia, the "child" of the Gaia hypothesis first posited by ecologist and environmentalist James Lovelock in the late 60's. He believed that the Earth is a superorganism, a single organism composed of other organisms such as its atmosphere, oceans, crust, polar icecaps, fauna, flora, etc. He named this superorganism Gaia, after the Greek goddess of the Earth.

Some folks ran with the spiritual/mystical aspect of the hypothesis. Many believe that not only is Gaia alive, but that it's a sentient being. Thus would Gaia have the choice to be good or bad, as do we. God's love could flow through Gaia as through us, giving God not only the power to act through our hearts, but through the heart of Gaia as well.

I know...far out stuff, but it begs the question: If there is a tragic disaster, is Gaia making a choice to be evil or just letting its systems play out according to its nature? Do we ever "let our systems play out," or do we have a choice in each action that we take? Can there be sentience without that choice?

I'll just have to wonder. Whenever a tornado diverts radically from its track towards a town - is it the Earth being kind?

Guilty Pleasures

This is where I confess to reading comedy websites, either gross, politically incorrect, sarcastic, ironic, parodic or just generally -ic.

The Borowitz Report
Cracked.com
Fark.com
Mark Fiore
The Onion
Weird Universe

If you need a quick comedy fix, after carefully glancing around to make sure no one can see what you're snickering at, these should do it for you. Some are brilliant satire, while some are just demented. Enjoy!

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Spencer Johnson asked that in his thoughtful and clever (and unread by me) 1998 book Who Moved My Cheese?. But even the implications of that question frighten me. I've always been afraid, clutching my fear to me, afraid to lose what I'm so familiar with, even though it's mostly shaped my life for ill.

I've always been discouraged easily. I'll start or plan to do something and either get paralysis by analysis, or I tell folks I got depressed and just couldn't go on (back of hand to forehead as I gaze stoically into the distance). The depression part is true some of the time, but mostly I'm just afraid to change anything: being fat, being physically & emotionally disabled, being diabetic, being a host to several other diseases and disorders. It's what I'm used to.

I could change most of these things for the better by pursuing weight loss by way of the gastric bypass surgery I wrote about in the last post. But instead I dick around telling people I'm in an depressive episode and/or I'm trying to deal with more pain issues that usual. They're both true at the moment, but how am I to pursue the surgery to the end if I even balk at the beginning?

What would I do if I wasn't afraid? I might be thinner...many of my physical and emotional problems might be partly or fully resolved. I might be an author, a poet, a musician, a teacher. There's no telling what beauty might find expression through me, or what unfamiliar fears will come to challenge me. Perhaps I'll be strong enough then to face them fearlessly, learning what lessons they bring, and then moving past them.

What would I do if I wasn't afraid? I might probably, finally, be alive.

Stomach Stitching

I have a lot of medical issues. I won't beat you over the head with the list, but obesity is by far the worst, being the root of so many others. I weigh 360 lbs and I'm about 5'-8". Obesity adversely affects most of the other maladies: arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, back problems and even depression. Losing weight could lead to these and other issues being at least partially resolved.

Recently I found out that that bariatric (obesity) surgeons were taking Medicare again. They'd stopped taking it for a while. Needless to say, I was quite pleased. But I have a lot of things I have to do to get the pre-op process in motion, like a six month physician monitored diet. There's also a requirement for psychiatric certification. Given that psych issues have been a lifelong destructive presence in my life, this could be a bit sticky. But I'm having a mild depressive episode right now and, as my grandmother used to say, my get up and go just got up and went. Maybe I'm afraid of change to the extent that I won't do what I need to do to radically change my life, which is what I suspect is happening. But I WILL come up with a plan to do what I need to do, and then just DO it..."doing" has always been the hard part for me. I've had a meeting with one surgeon, but I didn't feel like he was really interested in helping me get through the Medicare mill. So I want to see at least one or two more surgeons to see if I'll feel more supported by them and their staffs. Anyway, that's it for now.

I'm back (sort of)

I have returned. I don't know how often I'll be posting, but I will be here from time to time. I've also changed the focus of this blog from a political and spiritually progressive focus to a lighter format, more in keeping with where I want to be now.

That said, I'm still a big Obama fan...I have thrown my hat in the metaphorical ring to become, behatted, an agent of change in my own small way. I wear my official Obama baseball cap every day to testify to my devotion. I suppose I could put a bumper sticker on my butt, but the paper would come off in the washer and make me pick little pieces of paper off all my clothes.

These are the issues that with myself I too much discuss.

Taking a Break (sort of)

I think I've burned out on this blog. I can't keep up with politics like I could anymore...it actually seems to be increasing my anxiety level and sense of helplessness. I'll still be posting as I find things that appeal to me, they're just likely to be few and far between.

Besides that, I don't get the visitors I'd hoped. Hard to write for next to no audience, even if I am a motormouth. LOL